(Warning: This blog post is going to get a little heavy ) I got back from my little trip to Barcelona and Paris, and I’m still depressed about it. You see, I grew up in France and spent a lot of my childhood vacations in Spain. And I’ve seldom been back in Europe since my parents ripped me away from my homeland. I make it sound dramatic because for me, it really was. While on my trip, it occurred to me that maybe my life would be better, more normal, if I had never left…
Now mind you, I’ve always been a bit of a weirdo, but when I was in France, my weirdness was better tolerated. I actually had friends. Once I got to the U.S, I really didn’t fit in because now there was a language and cultural barrier to contend with. I think being ten years old at the time made it worse: not young enough to adapt myself seamlessly into the new environment, and not old enough to have better coping skills. The huge scar I incurred from this move was the death of my social life. I had no friends and I continue to have no friends, I just have acquaintances.
Being back in Europe, I was so happy to be amongst “my people”…although I realize the fact that I’ve lived most of my life in the U.S makes me more American than I’d care to admit. It was nice not having contend with people asking me where I was from because of my accent (it’s not that I mind people asking me that, but it just serve s as a reminder that I don’t fit in the U.S). It was nice being able to blend in. I’d like to move back to Europe, probably France, but I want to wait until after their election to make a decision. Part of me also thinks that since I can never fully “belong” in America or Europe given my split life, I should go someplace completely new…like Antartica. But apart from day-dreaming about future homes, there’s also the problem that I don’t know how to go about moving to another country. Really, it’s the part where I need to earn a living that makes me anxious.
Anyway, I’m back in the U.S. for now. My focus is on earning money for the move, and to finish up some art projects I started. I’ve got about three art project in the works, but it’s been hard getting back in the swing of things since I took a four week break.